I have been thinking about my career lately, as a major change is taking place: Nazra for feminist studies is finally in action and is implementing several projects, although I have been waiting for this for long time and Nazra team went through long hard time to reach this point, but my happiness is not complete, not only because of the obstacles we are facing like the governmental bureaucratic and security constraints or the possibility of the societal backlash to any feminist activism but the reason of my incomplete happiness is very personal
I feel bad because I am losing passion; I am working with no motivation. All the things that used to inspire me seem ineffective and sometimes even do not have the same meaning it used to have. This feeling was my great fear, that I will be working not for a cause but I will be a practitioner who seeks secure employment and revenue. I do not like anything I am doing, I hate being busy with logistics and administrative or publicity tasks, in addition to that I do not have any motive to do the tasks that I love liking doing research and writing.
I know that when your endeavor is a long trip you might loss direction or loss passion, however this experience is really tiring and it raises many questions, and that is what I am feeling, and that is not only depressing but weird as well, I am not mid level career woman or well established to feeling bored or and to lack motivation, in addition to that I function in the module that I chose and participated in its creation and it is my safe zone, also there are many goals I want to achieve and ideas I want to tackle.
Currently I am just seeing the empty part of the glass, I magnified the problems and I can not see anything else. I do not need talks about the feminist cause and the difficulties we should anticipate or talks about thinking positively. I need to feel the same feeling I was feeling when we started.
I know that the fundamental difference between an activist and practitioner is the passion of the activist, and that is what I am losing
I do not have any solutions and I do not know when these feelings will end, what I know that I really want to wake up in the morning with fresh mind and cheerful spirit, ready to make a difference